I Love You, Gramma

This is not the post I wanted to write today.

But she was 101 and this is life.

But a part of us all thought she’d live forever… because she was bigger than life. 

She was the matriarch of our big extended family. She was Gramma to me, my brothers, cousins, nieces and nephews, and she was Aunt Helen to 100+ extended cousins who all loved her and loved to receive those crisp Chanukah gelt dollars from her every year. One extra dollar for each generation. We were up to 5 for the youngest ones of the clan (I got 3).

She was a strong, tough, yet loving woman. Toughest on those she loved the most. It wasn’t always the easiest as a kid to hear her criticism or demands, but the older I got the more I understood.

She didn’t have an easy childhood and she just wanted the best for her own family.

She softened quite a bit in these last years. Always saying I love you (though not always in those words) and accepting everyone for who they are, not just who she’d hoped they’d be. All she wanted was for us to be happy, and to be connected and love each other… as she’d tell us each year when she distributed that Chanukah gelt.

The last few times I visited her, she took my hand in hers and said “I’d really like to see my ring on your finger.” That was the extent of the pressure I got from her- never asking or pushing directly. But it still hit hard… because I would’ve loved nothing more.

I said to my sister-in-law this morning that it breaks my heart that she’ll never get to see that now. But then she lovingly reminded me that she will. And she will send us signs and little hugs that she’s there with us.

She already did this morning.

It’s hard to imagine going through all of the next milestones in my life without her physically there. But she’ll always be in my heart.

Over the last few years, we all started to notice how whenever we said goodbye to her she would say it as if it might be the last time. But we never believed it would.

She’d end our calls with these words:

“Take care of yourself, Civia. Be happy.”

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to commit to living a big, full life just like she did and just like she wanted for me.

I love you Gramma. Give Grampa a giant hug for me.